Tag Archives: positive pregnancy test

4 February 2014

I worried, after yesterday's post, that my omission to wax lyrical on the joys of being newly pregnant might leave you with the impression that I am not appropriately or proportionately ecstatic. This couldn't be further from the truth - I am elated but I am also terrified. I am scared to take our good fortune for granted - we have been incredibly lucky so far and I sense that caution is required to preserve the last of our felicitous allocation; we could still fall folly to 'chemical pregnancy', (which is where you get a positive for a week or two before the embryo dissolves); some sort of quasi ectopic experience, (I had an ectopic pregnancy that lasted approximately 6 weeks about 10 years ago); or, indeed, an ordinary miscarriage, (which we have seen cause terrible suffering to some of our friends). Since we didn't have IVF in the country there is no way for us to confirm that the hcg in my bloodstream is doubling every day as it should - because we are not entitled to standard post-IVF after-care. I don't think my odds of miscarrying are any greater than the statistical average but I do think that I have ridden the bejesus out of my luck to get this far.

I also feel guilty... not hugely, horribly or pervasively guilty - just guilty enough to temper any premature rhapsodising - we kicked the ass out of someone else's chances with our positive result and I feel I owe it to them to pay a modicum of heed and homage to the bigger picture. All of that being said, I do not think I will be able to hold onto these concerns for the full first trimester, I can only imagine that with each passing day 'not-taking-it-for-granted' will become an increasingly impossible task but, bear with me for a little longer, while I give in to the futile pursuit of trying to influence the universe with the flimsy, misguided power of my mind.

If it illustrates my mental state any, a close friend and my sister both mentioned that, if everything went well, this would be an October baby. I realised when they said this that I had managed to compartmentalise so effectively that I hadn't yet allowed myself to work that out. I doubt you could pull off a stunt of this calibre if you weren't mathematically challenged to the nth degree but I was pretty impressed nonetheless - check me and my self-imposed-ignorance, just imagine all the things I could fail to achieve if I really set my mind to it!

As well as a visit to the gynaecologist we also saw the GP yesterday, (that's what we call a day-to-day doctor in the UK); I was nervous going in that we would be subject to more disapproval but he was harmless enough; completely uninformed about IVF and had never heard of OHSS but referred us for the traditional 12 week booking/scan at the appropriate clinic - and then said that we would probably be seen a little bit earlier because I'd previously suffered an ectopic. So no specific dates to look forward to but at least we weren't denounced for daring to jump the IVF queue, (queuing is a British institution and jumping the queue is punishable by death... stares.).
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2 February 2014

3.48am - I have been awake for the past two and a half hours. My OHSS is pretty sore, which I am desperate to interpret as a good sign - but it might just be the phantom product of wishful thinking and a worried mind.

4.33am - I really need to pee - I can't pee in a container and save it for later because the hcg in urine breaks down over time - but I am loathe to wake Archie so early. Lying here with my legs crossed.

...I lasted 'til half five at which point we adjourned to the bathroom and I peed in a cup; I then passed it to Archie so that he could do the dunking. After squabbling over the length of 5 seconds, (one of life's shorter disagreements), I sat on the toilet with my head in my hands and waited for him to say something. A minute passed and still there was silence. 'It's negative isn't it? It's OK. You can tell me.' Nothing. 'Is it negative?' Pause.

And then, in his best, newly acquired IVF vocabulary... 'I think we may have a squinter.'

'You mean there's a line? You can see a line? Let me see. Let me see. Oh my God, it's a line!! It's a line! Baby, it's a line!'

And, with that, I burst into heart wrenching sobs - letting go of some of the most painful grief I've ever had to hold inside. While I cried the line got a little darker and two more tests came up positive.

We are now lying in bed, holding hands - stupid with happiness, stunned with gratitude and, truth be told, a little scared that someone might step in and say it's all a big fat mistake.

It appears that at least one of the maybe-babies is still with us. Our little miracle in which all of you played a part. I have to stop now because I am lost for words - which, coming from me, speaks untold volumes.

We will never be able to thank you enough to reflect the depth of our gratitude  - but it gives me the most pleasure that I have ever had, to sign off this blog with love from Archie, Temora and the little hcg secreter that you helped us to nurture xxx

positives!