Tag Archives: infertility hope

Hope springs eternal.

By last night the OHSS was back to the degree that my abdomen was sore and a bit bloated - but my tummy wasn't rigid and it would take a serious feat of self delusion to claim that it was 'worse than it had been before'. Today it is tormenting me with twinges but, once again, there's no persistent pain and/or rigid distension which is really what we're looking for.

I am paralysed by the enormity of tomorrow. I knew this would be tough but I didn't appreciate just how tough; which is, apparently, what makes the 2nd try so much harder than the first - people no longer have naivety on their side. Odds of one in three may not sound terribly good but, when you embark on your IVF journey, you hear about every successful-first-time-attempt known to your circle and you start to think/hope that the figures can't be quite right. Of course, deep down, you know that this is an illusion created by the vast numbers of people having embryos transferred every day, but it's hard to keep this in perspective. First timers are also probably buffered by the fact that their initial try has often been preceded by years of failure; so their odds may not be great but, for a while, they feel comparatively astronomical.

Whatever the reasons, I am loathe to admit that, despite the statistics, despite the diminishing OHSS and despite my determined efforts to practise the art of realism - I am still hopeful of a positive. I know that the signs are increasingly pessimistic and yet, if I am 100% honest, I just can't quite wrap my head around the idea that it's not going to work. I have even tried telling people that I think it will be a negative, in the hopes that by writing it down or saying it out loud, I will manage to persuade myself - but, push has come to shove and hope has beaten the odds to emerge the merciless victor - which, I guess, accounts for the paralysis... I have just made the untimely discovery that, somewhere along the way, I seem to have acquired an uncharacteristic, (and infuriatingly stubborn), streak of un-quashable optimism, (Archie, my darling, you have a lot to answer for). 

In an ideal world I would have managed to genuinely convince myself of a negative result by this time today so that I could approach tomorrow's test sporting a modicum of armour. As it is, I have no choice but to go into battle with my heart on my sleeve. My poor wee heart, I'm so sorry - I tried my best to protect you.